We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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