just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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