where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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