The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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