so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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