You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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