for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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