Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
