We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
