That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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