I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Couch. On fire.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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