I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
