my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
