when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
