Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
