grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
