I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
