You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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