dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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