He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
