Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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