i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
