dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
