So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
