my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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