alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
