I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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