You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
