I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize