you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
