apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
