Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dignity is for republicans.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
