I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
