I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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