Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
