WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
