I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
