I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
