oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
