I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
