Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
