i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
