2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
