There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
