Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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