Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
