I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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