I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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