I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
