anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
