community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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