If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When did we convert life to cartoon?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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