I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
