Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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