you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
"it" just moved
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
