I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Two words: nipple clamps
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