WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
