I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
