You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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