Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
